Motherhood without the manual | Part one | Labour

As I’m sitting here feeding my 8 week old.. I think back.. from the day I found out I was expecting.. all the way to labour day, through the ups and downs of raising this child thus far to right here in my feeding chair with Olivia in my arms Drinking.

Where do I begin though?

I really wanted a child. When I was told it’s not going to happen so easily, my heart broke. I started praying and begged God to not take away the honor of motherhood from me.. 4 Months later I was pregnant! Over the moon And so humbled! What a gift!! Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks!

At 12 weeks. Exactly 1 day after announcing I was pregnant I felt something was wrong.. the doctor then informed me that I had a UTI and could have a miscarriage.. I cried non stop, phoned my husband and told him I’m on my way to the ER.. once again I prayed and asked God not to take the honor of being a mother from me.. 4 Days in hospital, mom and baby fine and good!

The rest of my pregnancy went very well. My induction was scheduled 2 weeks earlier and I was prepping myself mentally for labour day.. meditating, walking a lot, eating pineapples, going for reflexology, Chiro sessions, you name it! All to make sure labour would go smoothly..

The Saturday I started having mild contractions and I got so excited! But I knew I had to wait till I was in active labour.. Again I did all I could to make sure I’m ready..

Tuesday evening I’m all packed up and ready to be admitted to hospital at 12am.

Our neigbours came by at around 11pm and helped us pack the car and prayed for us. Tears of joy ran down our faces.. and we knew.. this is it!!!

On our way to hospital I put my meditation on the Bluetooth in our car and remained calm,, chatting to hubby and embracing the moment. We both laughed so hard and cried tears of joy and were so thankful that the moment arrived!!

We got to the hospital at around 11:30pm and I really wanted hot chocolate. So my husband got us both nice big ones! We sat down drank it and then we got into the elevator on our way to the labour Ward.

My husband was AMAZING! He just did everything right.. he actually fell asleep and made himself a bed on the floor because the lazy boy wasn’t comfortable enough.. but when I needed him he woke up and was right there to help.. he’s a pro massager and motivator!

I made myself comfortable and waited it out! Contractions came and went and it was really frustrating.. we went through the whole night and I didn’t dilate.. another Induction was given and we started the morning with a long walk in and around the hospital...

After 17 hours I still didn’t dilate and they tried one last thing.. the pain then was unbearable and I fell sick.. started vomiting and freezing so bad that I started shaking. At this point I could barely whisper to my husband. He stood by me and told me that it’s okay as I cried from all the pain.. he even held the buckets when I was sick.. and covered my forehead with a very cold face towel..

Now.. 19 hours have passed and we are no where.. At this point I knew everything was a mess and nothing went as planned.. 3 inductions, 5 stretches and sweeps, a balloon in my cervix and all I can show for it is incredible Pain and a feeling of hopelessness and failure..

I was flooded with emotions and I instantly felt like my body had failed me..

My husband and our Doctor had to make a call.. I had 10 mins to prep for emergency C-section. There was NO time to think and worry about a C-section.. I didn’t prep myself mentally for this.. But I happened so fast..

They injected me bethadine and it didn’t work well with me.. so I was a zombie and just went with whatever happened. I was okay with it because I knew my husband would take charge and make sure the baby had a parent who Is fully there for her when I couldn’t be.. even though deep down inside I was broken. I lost the privilege of being there for my child and doing all the things I planned on doing..

Here I was. Lying in theatre, high as a kite, excited as I can be and also scared to death.. staring at my husband smiling from ear to ear, listening to him saying she’s gonna be here soon! He motivated me all the way.. and all I was thinking was.. why the hell didn’t my body just work with me.. why didn’t I just try harder!!

I tried to relax and before I knew it my husband jumped up and started taking pictures while holding my hand! When I saw a tear running down his cheek and all of the sudden my little girl giving her very first scream!!!

“ She’s here!“ the dr said! I was so relieved and once again cried tears of joy!!!

Halleluja! It’s all over! But somehow I still felt like a failure..

Wednesday evening 17 July 2019

19:45 | 2.8kg | 46cm | Olivia Kuhn

I could not hold her because of the medication I received earlier on.. but the nurse showed her to me and I gave her a kiss and then she was taken again!

My husband went with her and he did skin-to-skin and comforted her while they closed me up and send me to recovery..At least he was there to take over my duties.. I was in recovery for quite a while and can’t really remember much of it, because a dead tiredness, and overwhelming feeling took over my whole body and I eventually just slept..

I Woke up probably an hour later when they pushed me to my room and there I was alone until my husband and the nurses brought her to me!

From there on out It was a little bit of a blur.. but I remember breastfeeding her and thinking- “Wow you are just perfect”

They took her from me again and I fell asleep!

The next morning very early I got to see her again for the first time.. I was very emotional and only wanted to hold her and just keep her with me.. it was so bad I couldn’t even bare the thought of having visitors that day because of all the trauma I went through..

By now I actually feel normal again and not so high from the medication and I could hold her and inspect every little detail of her! How freaken perfect and beautiful!!

My Husband came and we spent a good 4-6 hours alone before we had visitors over...

I spent my days in hospital recovering and enjoying every minute of being a mommy. Family came and we all were filled with only happiness and joy!

How blessed I am!

We left the hospital 4 days later and now our journey has begun.. raising this child .. being at home. figuring out how we are going to do this..

But this has to wait for part two..

To be continued.....